One of my major problems in life is that I let myself believe I have problems. I have convinced myself that I am in some way damaged, broken and that problems in my relationships are my fault, and that I am to blame when things don’t go to plan or when things are not 100% perfect.
Over the last few weeks I have been having endless internal conversations with myself and several external conversations with my partner. These conversations have been about me and my mindset and all sorts of other deep and meaningfuls. The conclusion I have come to, when I break it all down and really examine the crux of why I’ve let myself get so negative is because I can’t let things the fuck go.
Honestly, it’s no wonder I’m living like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders when I’m walking around thinking about things some bitch said to me in 2004 and it’s come to the stage now where I need to look myself in the eye and tell myself to build a bridge and get over it!
I still find, in moments of silence, thinking about my time at school and how I would have done it all differently, and then I think about university and do the same thing and then I look at my time in London after that, and you get the point. I’ve spent most of my twenties looking back and that is not the way to live. I’ve taken away my own excitement about the future because I’m so dam focused on the past.
I had an awful time at school, I didn’t fit in and to be honest I didn’t really try to. I kept people at arm’s length and because of that, formed superficial friendships that do not exist today. A big part of that was probably down to my sexuality. I knew I was gay at 16, and I choose to suppress it and live my life as a ‘straight’ woman. But the thing is, I did that to myself, and the result is that now I punish myself and that results in me not being a very pleasant person to be around. I spent most of my time in London wanting to not be in London instead of enjoying it for what it was and having a bloody good time.
If I’ve taken one thing away from my weeks of reflection, it’s that nothing is permanent, even if it feels like a life sentence. School can only last until it’s over, University will end after three years and a bad living situation will only last until you decide you want it to change. But nothing is forever. So, let it go and enjoy it!
Enjoy being unemployment for a short period, because when you get back into working you’ll crave free time.
Enjoy being single because there will be moments when you are in a relationship that you will wish for time alone.
Enjoy the honeymoon period of your new relationship, don’t throw something beautiful away because of useless worry – instead throw the past away.
Enjoy your partner, do not test them or burden them. Make them feel like they are special every single day.
Enjoy being young, because you are getting older every day.
Enjoy getting older, because you know more than you did yesterday.
Enjoy moments of sadness, because they remind us that we feel and they let us know when we are happy.
Enjoy your friends, they may be here in five years, they may not.
Enjoy your family. They will not always be around.
Enjoy yourself, be kind and gentle to your heart and mind.
Enjoy your present. In the end, it is really all we have.