Tuna -Baguette Tuesdays

Time for another new music Tuesday.

Last night I was listening to my Spotify and was shuffling through the discover page.

Sometimes it’s like they don’t even take your music taste into consideration, but sometimes – sometimes – they treat you to an absolute gem.

Cat Pierce, ‘You Belong to Me’ – not new to the world, but new to me.

Cat Pierce has a voice I could listen to forever. It’s sultry, its sexy and last night it helped soothe my aching heart. This song is beautifully chilling, a powerful ballad with just a hint of a beat to help lift your spirit.

Give her a listen, it will not disappoint.

 

 

The Dreaded D

This was a post I never wanted to write. It was something I had shunned other bloggers for doing and something that I felt had become romanticised online and almost like a badge of honour, like you couldn’t possibly write content online without this one key ingredient.

Depression.

I have it. But I don’t wear it as a badge of honour, I’ve worn it like a pair of out of date, button up Adidas tracksuit bottoms that should have been thrown out years ago. I wear it with utter contempt.

I trudge through the day annoyed at myself for falling into this mindset, I blamed myself for years and put it down to me just being a negative person.

Sometimes it’s hard to know what’s real in our heads and what’s not. I had a strong feeling, weeks after coming out, when I was confused – again. I asked myself, are you actually gay or do you need a little attention at the minute are you looking for the spotlight to be on you. I still have those days. Sometimes when I see a heterosexual couple on the street, looking like a pure kodak moment, I get this stab of ’Fuck maybe I’m straight.’ Then I’m in bed with my girlfriend and I swiftly come to my senses.

I feel the same way about depression, is it real or am I do I just crave extra attention.

I remember when I had an idea that something wasn’t quite right. I had just got accepted to drama school, packed my bags and moved to London ready to take on the world. I had literally made my dreams come true. Like I was in the big leagues now.

I think it took my three weeks to cry in my first voice class. And the crying did not stop for two years. I cried every time I was asked to feel anything and when I was taken aside and told to maybe get some help, I said the words uttered by every depression sufferer that ever lived ‘I’m fine’

I’m fine.  The most dangerous words to exist.

Since then I’ve just ran from my black cloud every day because I always blamed my situation and never myself.

It was my hometown, not me – it’ll be fine when I leave

It was drama school, not me – it’ll be fine when I graduate

It was acting, not me – it’ll be fine when I get a new career

It was London, not me – it’ll be fine when I move home

It was my job, not me – It’ll be fine if I go to uni and do a master’s degree

It was being in the closet, not me – it’ll be fine once I come out

It was single status, not me – it’ll be fine was someone falls in love with me.

That has been my life since I was 17. Ten years on and I’m tired. I am drained emotionally, mentally and physically because you can only run from something for so long.

You can only run from depression for so long, you can only tell yourself that everything will be fine for so long but eventually it’s like taking Calpol for an infection. It’s just not going to heal it. You need to get the proper help.

I’ve accepted that and now my journey can begin.

And now I want to apologise to all the bloggers out there who I ever criticised, to anyone who put a message out into the world that I shunned, because writing this post feels amazing, even if not one person reads it. To get it off my chest and out into the world isn’t so scary, it’s almost therapeutic.

Thank you internet, for helping to lighten my load.

Ax

How Different is too Different?

Sometimes it’s important to admit you’ve fucked up.

If someone is feeling something about you consistently there comes a point where you must think, are they right? If your partner is constantly telling you that you are negative, or emotionally difficult or just telling you something over and over and over again, maybe it’s time to take a step back and think, am I those things?

Recently, I had to admit I was wrong, that I had treated my partner badly on an emotional level. That I had been the catalyst for a lot of the issues in our relationship. And believe me it’s a bitter pill to swallow and it makes you question their feelings for you.

Why would you stay with me if I’m so awful? Why would you love someone like that?

The thing about my relationship now that’s so different to the any that’s preceded it, is that it is making me really look at myself and where my life is going.

My girlfriend is everything I said I wanted in a partner; outgoing, sociable and a party girl. And I fell head over heels in love with her.

We are so different, we think differently, we see the world differently and ultimately it has come to light that we want similar things in life but they are different.

We both want our partners to be our best friend. That person you can literally do anything and everything with, a partner in crime you can take over the world with. We both want to laugh, have adventures and enjoy life. But we want to do those things in different ways.

The problem is that our differences are tearing us apart and I am struggling to bring us back together. But having her in my live has made me want to face up to my demons and get help and sort it all out, so I know that she is so special and important to me.

I am very much struggling with my mental health. ‘Im having to face up to something, that I’ve been avoiding for years. I am sad, sad all the time even when I am happy. And it’s beating the shit out of my relationship. One reason for that is me being down, me emotionally manipulating my girlfriend in a series of trials and tests of her love.

I have taken the first steps in seeking the help that I need, and I want to get better for me and for us. But can two people who are so different be together? Can we make it? I feel like we have gone from being so sure of our futures together, to having the carpet pulled from under us.

I would love to hear about your stories of overcoming difficult times in your relationships. How do you find that common ground?

 

Love always,

A x

Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough

When I was a child I was told I needed to work hard if I wanted something. I was sent to all manner of performing arts outlets – dance, piano, acting – and was always told that I must practice if I wanted to get better, I must rehearse if I wanted to be good and I must be dedicated if I wanted to succeed. At school, my parents and my teachers told me often that I must study if I wanted to get the grades I wanted to progress. When I started working my father taught me that I should be the first one in and the last one home, my lecturers instilled in me that I must continue my education and read everything to stay ahead of the curve and be open to everyone and everything.

These people in my life showed me that hard work would eventually pay off for me and if I wanted to get where I wanted to be, I would not get there without hard work. But all these people failed me in possibly the most important area of my life, where hard work is maybe the most lacking. Love. No one ever told me that love required hard work.

I mean, it’s something you know and it something people say all the time but no one ever breaks it down to you or teaches you the lessons that we need to survive in a relationship. Well no one taught me anyway.

The thing is, we learn our relationship values from our parents, and since I’ve become an adult I’ve had to come to the conclusion that they are just winging it too. My mum was expecting her second child, was married and had a mortgage by the time she was my age and I’m struggling to keep myself alive. So, she had to be faking it too, right? What I’m trying to say is that parents can only do what they think is best, and there are pros and cons to all types of parenting.
My parents are still together after 30 years of marriage (I know!!!) it’s an amazing achievement, and they have a beautiful relationship that I aspire to have, but they had their share of ups and downs like every couple. There were a lot of financial issues in our family when I was a child but I’m only finding this stuff out now because my mum and dad (bless them) worked tirelessly to keep their problems hidden from us, to make it look to their children that they were solid and to shield us from any upset. This led to an amazing childhood full of happy memories, but it also set me up for failure when it came to relationships. I put my parent’s marriage as the benchmark to every relationship I’ve ever has. No one would ever treat me the way my Dad treated my Mum, and no one would ever take care of me the way she did to him. If I had an argument, I would immediately think we should break up because I have no experience in watching a couple hit a road block and work through it. I know that they did hit bumps in the road, but I never saw it. Our parent’s relationship, no matter what they taught us, are only one example of how things should be done.

As young girls, we are programmed to believe that a man will catch our eye across a crowded room and the surroundings will melt away as we drift over to each other on a cloud and fall in love and, wham-bam-thank-you-mam, that’s us sorted! From the films we watch, the stories we hear we are led to believe that there is a powerful force that will drive you to the person that you are meant to be with, and that once we meet that person everything else will just fall into place. When we learn the harsh reality, it can be a devastating blow. Our parent’s relationship, no matter what it taught us, is only one example of how things should be done.

Love is not enough, no matter what popular culture teaches us it’s not. Love is the foundation on which everything else should be built, but love cannot conquer all alone. How many people do you know claim to love each but treat each other with zero respect. Or love each so much they are moving forward in a toxic relationship. Love it is not the answer and certainly not the excuse for negative behaviour or for not working hard.

A relationship takes respect, compromise, compatibility and a desire to put the needs of someone else before your own at times. It means having to love someone despite their flaws, and to find someone that you can trust enough to be vulnerable with and them to be vulnerable with you. Find someone who brings out a side of you that you can’t find on your own and someone who seeks a part of your personality they feel they lack. It’s about finding a balance and accepting your differences. This is love, not catching the eye of someone so beautiful they take your breath away, but finding someone who’s laugh and smile makes you weak at the knees. Seek a partner who you become more attracted too, who you can’t keep your hands off a year on. And even more attracted to five years on.
Remember to work, and work hard. Because that is what it takes to form a partnership. It requires stepping out of ourselves to understand someone else’s thought process, about not saying something just to hurt someone else. It’s about compromise, and about carving out time for each other and keeping the spark alive.

The workload of a relationship requires two people, it literally cannot be done by one. You will fail. Share the load, help one another and communicate. I nearly lost something very special this week because we were both afraid of hard work. And the truth is that if we do work hard at the start, and make this the objective of our relationship,the work will get easier and suddenly it won’t seem so hard anymore.

What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned from your relationships? I’d love to know how you work through things with your partners!

Love, and hard work, always
A x

Tuna -Baguette Tuesdays

Music is a huge passion of mine. I love hearing new songs and falling in love with an artist. I try to spend the last half hour of my day winding down and hitting up Spotify for my Daily Mix or the new music playlists. One new song, and the next thing I’m seven layers deep listening to the artist’s EP from 2009.

I used to be obsessed with making mixed CD’s – Throwback alert – and then I’d make a sheet with all the songs and cut them up to make an album cover. I like songs that made me think about the lyrics, and where the beat would ignite my soul with feels. I also liked songs that I could get down and dirty to in da club, so i definitely have an eclectic mix in genre. Now I’m all about that playlist life, playlists for everything, playlists for days!!!!!

So, I thought I’d kick off with a song that has not been out of my ears for about a week and it comes from the beautiful Fletcher. This girls voice melts me, and the song is just so bang on to how a lot of women in their mid (to late….cough cough) twenties feel. That feeling of having to rush everything and adult sooner than you would maybe like to. This song is here to remind us that when we look back, it’ll be the days we kicked back and enjoyed ourselves that stay with us forever!

Give her a listen guys, because she is going to light it up

Love always A x

Learn to Let Go

One of my major problems in life is that I let myself believe I have problems. I have convinced myself that I am in some way damaged, broken and that problems in my relationships are my fault, and that I am to blame when things don’t go to plan or when things are not 100% perfect.

Over the last few weeks I have been having endless internal conversations with myself and several external conversations with my partner. These conversations have been about me and my mindset and all sorts of other deep and meaningfuls. The conclusion I have come to, when I break it all down and really examine the crux of why I’ve let myself get so negative is because I can’t let things the fuck go.

Honestly, it’s no wonder I’m living like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders when I’m walking around thinking about things some bitch said to me in 2004 and it’s come to the stage now where I need to look myself in the eye and tell myself to build a bridge and get over it!

I still find, in moments of silence, thinking about my time at school and how I would have done it all differently, and then I think about university and do the same thing and then I look at my time in London after that, and you get the point. I’ve spent most of my twenties looking back and that is not the way to live. I’ve taken away my own excitement about the future because I’m so dam focused on the past.

I had an awful time at school, I didn’t fit in and to be honest I didn’t really try to. I kept people at arm’s length and because of that, formed superficial friendships that do not exist today. A big part of that was probably down to my sexuality. I knew I was gay at 16, and I choose to suppress it and live my life as a ‘straight’ woman. But the thing is, I did that to myself, and the result is that now I punish myself and that results in me not being a very pleasant person to be around. I spent most of my time in London wanting to not be in London instead of enjoying it for what it was and having a bloody good time.

If I’ve taken one thing away from my weeks of reflection, it’s that nothing is permanent, even if it feels like a life sentence. School can only last until it’s over, University will end after three years and a bad living situation will only last until you decide you want it to change. But nothing is forever. So, let it go and enjoy it!

Let if go

Enjoy being unemployment for a short period, because when you get back into working you’ll crave free time.

Enjoy being single because there will be moments when you are in a relationship that you will wish for time alone.

Enjoy the honeymoon period of your new relationship, don’t throw something beautiful away because of useless worry – instead throw the past away.

Enjoy your partner, do not test them or burden them. Make them feel like they are special every single day.

Enjoy being young, because you are getting older every day.

Enjoy getting older, because you know more than you did yesterday.

Enjoy moments of sadness, because they remind us that we feel and they let us know when we are happy.

Enjoy your friends, they may be here in five years, they may not.

Enjoy your family. They will not always be around.

Enjoy yourself, be kind and gentle to your heart and mind.

Enjoy your present. In the end, it is really all we have.

The Lesbian and the 8 Coming Out Surprises

So, I came out relatively late in life, I was 26 so firmly in the mid-twenties bracket – not late. Mid. And there was a period of adjustment when I questioned everything about how I’d presented myself up until that point. Here’s a few of the highlights:

  1. My Walk

My walk was wrong. I didn’t walk like a lesbian so how on earth would anyone know that I was. I didn’t have that swagger that those beautiful androgynous lesbians had. You know what I’m talking about, it’s very cool, almost like a boy but still sexy. I didn’t have that, I was stuck with my straight girl walk and I’d be alone for ever because no one was going to find me attractive. Obviously.

  1. My style

Style and I, have always had an on off relationship. I knew how I wanted to look, but it just never quite came together. And I tried a lot of looks, some not good. Remember when Avril Lavigne rocked a tie over a tank top? Well only Avril Lavigne should have rocked a tie over a tank top but that’s another story.

But that aside, now that I was out I believed that I had to give a more visual que of my new status. I no longer felt comfortable wearing sexy dresses and heels when I went out, I needed to give off a more relaxed vibe that made me approachable, and not get labelled a fag-hag in the gay club.

Guess what?!  You can wear whatever the hell you want. The payoff to being brave enough to expose yourself is you can be exactly who you want to be. So dress however the hell you want. Own it guys.

  1. My Gaydar

This is me….

no-gaydar.jpg

4. Flirting

I spent a solid ten years of my post puberty life flirting with males. I’m a pro. If flirting with men was an Olympic sport, I’d have taken the gold. I can lead the conversation, I can follow, I can be whatever they need me to be, and I can make them do what I want.

Put me in front of a girl I fancy and I’m practically a mute. I guess if I was to analyse it, it’s obvious. I never really wanted a man, it was a game that I didn’t really want to finish.

I’m working on my flirting though, but it’s a process, (see point 3)

  1. Coming out again

And again. And again. And again

You have to constantly tell people because even in 2017, people assume you are straight, and then they reply:

“But you don’t look gay” “But you’re too pretty to be gay” “Do you think it’s a phase?”

*eye roll so hard I’ve lost them*

You think coming out it like a viral message to the world that you are here and you’re queer, and everyone gets the memo. But it’s not. Unless you are an all singing, all dancing, stereotypical “fits into what society believes to be” gay, then you may get comfortable saying those two little words, because they’ll be like a broken record coming from your mouth.

  1. PDA

I shocked myself with this one, I was extremely comfortable with PDA’s. I just did not give one fuck about holding a girl’s hand in public, or giving a cheeky kiss. It was so liberating.

I remember my first date with a girl, like a proper date not a drunken fumble in da club. She had been out for a long time, and was very comfortable with her sexuality, and I was a nervous wreck. But as we left the restaurant it was me that took her hand and I think it surprised us both.

I am fortunate enough to live in a country were being gay is okay, some people may not love it but I don’t have to live in fear, so for all those over the world who are hiding, and sacred and literally fear in for their lives because they were born gay, I’m going to hold a girl’s hand in public, in protest. Because if they could, they would.

  1. Gay culture

I love drags. The Drag community over the world have become my idols. They are full of life, and creativity and they are battling through their demons with laughter and

Drag queens are some of the bravest people in the world, they put themselves out there every time they glue down those man brows and don a stocking. They are a living message to live life to the fullest, in technicolour and to laugh. Laugh for days.

And boy, can they contour.

And I love being part of the whole LGBT+ community, it gives me this great sense of privilege that I was born in a time where I can be who I want to be, when I know there are people who fought for me to have this right. People who literally died for being brave, and thanks to them I can be who I am, in peace.

What surprised you about coming out?

Be Brave, A x